Hope and surrender.

And so it is … 70 years since I was sent away and I still freeze and tremble at events that unfold and connect with my present life.

Due, I imagine, to be sent away so so young (as BS friends keep reminding me).

Recently, as I told my daughter about sitting with the chickens in the guard’s van at around 5, I felt my chest tighten and my breathing shallowed.  It’s as if that reverberation through my body still held memories of sooo long ago.  “At least I know where it is coming from” one BS friend said.

And we do know.  Yet it still goes on.

And independence ….. how do we build close relationships when all we know is survival and having to do it on our own?

In February I attend an ACA retreat in Scotland for Adult Children of Alcoholics.  Maybe that will help ease the present and allow me to release some of my survival patterns that no longer serve me.

So this year I surrender and hope.  There is always hope. 🙂

Image Tamalpa UK – Self-portrait Ritual 2012.